| So, I've got a lot to say |
[01 Jul 2008|10:58pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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First I was baker acted three times in a two month period first for shitting and pissing in my front lawn, no voices, no visuals, just pure loss of touch with reality, and the narcissistic view I was a god (which I told the police and then asked them if they could get me weed). Four years from now protect and serve may mean something different. I was under stimulates socially and began to believe I was demigod like so no one would want to hire me (it's nice when you can spin it like that to yourself). This hindered logical and real plans, so I snapped.
The second time was for meds defiance, my mom called the police, the third was in an attempt to manipulate the system which was successful. I am slowly getting off medications. I met some strange crack heads, and nice aspirgers/autism patients while I was at the hospital. And, still did my job of talking people back from fits and episodes.
I also had several schizophrenic features from the medications. I am looking foward to getting a job, returning to school in August (being off meds more likely than not) and moving up north sometime this winter or into the next year.
-Brian Resila
P.S. Honestly I want to move to Canada, buy a small cabin, grow a plant, and just relax life away I've found out the requirements to become a Canadian citizen.
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| Wow |
[03 Jan 2008|12:09am] |
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mood |
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 high |
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music |
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Silence |
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I am a complete fool: just to think seconds ago I thouht I was beyond self reproach, and just slamming down on me comes a piece of history, I chose probably to disgard subconsciously, comes reemed back into my face. I feel like a fuckin' twit now. ROFLMAOWACKFIMA,
Brian
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| Poetry; weight-loss; and Wednesdays |
[22 Mar 2007|11:34pm] |
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music |
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Benevento-Russo Duo |
] |
Let me start with 12am-6am on Wednesday; first at one I went to Walgreen's and bought some pens, a notebook, and cigarettes; then I proceeded to wander my neighborhood a while to observe the serenity of suburbia at such a late hour. I then returned home, finished watching Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith. I wrote poetry for a while after; you shall see them at some point, trust me, my ego is always huge and omni-present, even whilst it is destructive.
6-12, I got ready for and went to school. Speech, break, then West. Civ. I then proceeded to go to math, whilst on my way there,
12-6 I sat on a bench to smoke, I struck up a conversation with what appeared to be a 15 yr old girl, playing a nintendo DS. She was extremely interesting; she seems to enjoy mind chess as much as I do... went home, then I slept woke up and had Steak and Shake
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| I'm finally 18; this is it? |
[02 Mar 2007|11:44pm] |
It was best stated by the Barenaked Ladies with: I have faith in medication; I believe in the Prozac Nation; You play doctor, but I've lost patience: Call the police and call the press, but please dear god, don't tell my friends. This' where it ends, this is where it ends. I have loved and I have waited. Been picked up and been sedated; mental health is overrated...
I'm starting to think, since recently I've experimented; I've found I'm happier drugged, be I stoned, on psychotropic meds or drunk. I'm a loner; Jon, it's the truth. It is what it is, when you said, "Brian, you're not in high school anymore; that whole loner fat kid thing doesn't work." And, you're right; it's broken.
Some people hate themselves/jobs/lives, and they take it out in rage, which, let us face it gets more respect than some other ways of coping. I'm off track, miserable, bored, and bitch (at best). And, you know what I do; I create conflict, and harbor bitterness.(Stupid bitterness, too; it's about shit I can't control.)
I don't know who I am, or where I'm going. And, I never did... What truly bothers me, though, is this: I'm starting to buy into this thing, hope, and hopeless hope to boot. When all you have to lose is a pulse, ha; well, I guess fuck it, and fuck me... I don't think I need a friend; I think I need to get a grip; why do I care that I'm miserable? Am I that egotistical? It's kind of hard to have others care about you; when you won't care about yourself. It was once said somewhere, "I'm at that awkward age where I've been born, but I'm not dead yet." I am going through some facsimile of life (whatever life is to you). And, I wish I was boldly coward enough to stop it now...
-Brian Michael Resila
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| A Philosopher Looks At 18 |
[15 Oct 2006|11:41pm] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
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music |
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Dashboard Confessional- Morning Calls |
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I am looking at my past 17 and change years on this earth, and I can now arrive at the fact I know nothing. I was once a wealth of information, so insightful, but that was all in relation to how old I was. Wisdom is accumulated, from experience not assumed and drawn from the well of common sense. I really am nothing. I am in college, I am ahead of the curve in that regard. But, in all actuality I am behind in maturity. I wish I had done more in these years of my life, like had a girlfriend. All I can really say I've had is bad luck and made no effort to change it. I just think everyone knows I need to change, or I'll drown in my own devices. I am burning bridges by not getting anything. And, so in relation to age, I am behind the curve in experience. I really want to give up, sad thing is, I am the only one who wouldn't blame me if I did.
-Brian
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| It's malignant |
[31 Aug 2006|01:13am] |
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music |
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Eagles- Heartache Tonight |
] |
Have you ever felt like there was an idea in your little head that was starting to grow over you as a whole? It was something that was all consuming. Something that you were taking with you everywhere, you know like baggage, like the kind that's emotional. LOL.
Well, either way, there's this girl, you see (lol, get it?). Lets get somewhere with this...
I've been writing so much poetry about her, about how I feel, and she has a boyfriend see. Well, that's irrelavent, with her I just sorta see so many different parts of her now. And, they all have there own sorta mystique, own sort of grace, elegance beauty, and well, there's no asking for advice or nothin' it's just, I wanted to get it off my chest. I understand how she feels, I think, but if I do, that's just more confusing to me.
Sincerly,
Brian
P.S. Please fuckin' comment, somebody, anybody.
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| Cool Pool |
[31 Aug 2006|01:12am] |
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music |
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Outkast- Whole World |
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Poll #810002 Your Opinion
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 1 What do you think of me?
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| 3 can keep a secret if 2 are dead |
[16 Aug 2006|01:25am] |
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mood |
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 discontent |
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music |
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Rolling Stones- Ruby Tuesday |
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"So, you think you can tell heaven from hell, blue skies from pain, can you tell a green field from a cold stell rail, a smile from a veil? Do you think you could tell, did they get you to trade..."
I am so lonely right now, I mean life is complicated, and I mean the only thing I really have now are my delousions, I am very torn right now, between cold comfort and change. I want change if I control it, but that's nuts it's dark out, I can't keep it light, it's today not last week (as much as I want it to be last week). I figured out that hopes and dreams are things you want blindly and can't grab because you can not see them. I know I am stuck in a class (the middle) that is such where you can only accumulate debt and not wealth. ALSO, I want a relationship, with a real human, I want to feel the warmth of anothers touch. I want someone to read this and understand, I don't want to lie anymore, it only makes things worse for you, because then you have to keep up with them, it's all very tiring. I wish someone was my anwser, but is there someone who knows? Or, maybe that someone is somebody who doesn't know the same things. I wish someone would comment, or would talk on the phone with me all night. As I've gotten older I've found you just want more and more someone to hold you and tell you it'll all be okay.
Hoping,
Brian
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| And I wonder how I never got the burn |
[23 Jun 2006|02:06am] |
Interesting isn't this little thing called life, it's a dark tunnel; and, this dark tunnel has infintesimal turns and twists and drop offs. Why is that, why can't it be straight to a goal? I think it is logic myself, the ability to reason throws a monkey wrench (wait not a monkey wrench a monkey, a drownin' monkey)into the straight line of religion and faith. Lines are less resistant than curves.
I wonder how I never got burned for some of the things I have done, but that doesn't matter, I wrote a poem tonight, just a while ago I am going to post it, if you want to know what happened comment asking what didn't you get burned for and I'll do an entry on it; the poem...
Pretense to Sex
Raw is lust,
but rarer is love;
love has a potency lust lacks.
Sex is comunicable,
love is not;
genetalia travels,
your soul is founded
and cemented to another.
How many others depends;
it depends on how fractured your(self) soul is.
Beauty is something that cares for all,
but loves few;
and intimatly loves fewer still.
That is the higher brain,
the subconcious,
this is in oposition to primevial lust.
Lust is this:
Breasts,
Buttox,
Pushing in,
Pulling out,
Thriving on the physical orgasm.
But what of the soul?
Your cups runnith over,
and I am sure you are intimately in love with many,
can I be one of your loved too?
Remember, I know you think I need a lot, and please comment.
Thanks for the time,
Brian
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| My Life's Soundtrack |
[17 Dec 2005|10:38pm] |
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mood |
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 sore |
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music |
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Matchbox Twenty- Back 2 Good |
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| Your Life: The Soundtrack | | Opening credits: | Phish- You Enjoy Myself | | Waking up: | Cast Of RENT- Finale B | | Average day: | Phish- Birds of A Feather | | First date: | Phish- Dinner and A Movie | | Falling in love: | Elton John- Tiny Dancer | | Love scene: | The Doors- Light My Fire | | Fight scene: | Aphex Twin- 4 | | Breaking up: | Barenaked Ladies- Break Your Heart | | Getting back together: | Bob Dylan- Isis | | Secret love: | Ben Folds Five- Kate | | Life's okay: | Elton John- I'm Still Standing | | Mental breakdown: | A Perfect Circle- Sleeping Beauty | | Driving: | Coldplay- Clocks | | Learning a lesson: | Elton John- This Train Don't Stop There Anymore | | Deep thought: | Tool- Reflection | | Flashback: | John Lennon- Happy Christmas (War Is Over) | | Partying: | Manfred Mann's Earthband- Blinded By The Light | | Happy dance: | Eminem- Just Lose It | | Regreting: | Boxcar Racer- I Feel So... | | Long night alone: | Beck- Nobody's Fault But My Own | | Death scene: | Matchbox Twenty- Back 2 Good | | Closing credits: | Bright Eyes- February Fifteenth | Take this survey | Find more surveys
You've been totally Bzoink*d |
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| Stuck |
[15 Dec 2005|01:53pm] |
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mood |
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 in a bad way |
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music |
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Pavement- Range Life |
] |
My mom once told me,"You're to young to be so stuck." Some people may not get that, I mean from the lack of context; she meant stuck in the past, be so stuck in the past. Is it really wrong to spend your entire life live for the age of 6 to rear it's head again, and take it's rightful place as the present of your life? I mean sometimes it is just beyond pathetic how I am so uncapable of coping; with the here and now. Sometimes, it's all to much for me to take, hence the recent string of absences from school. Purely sensory overload; that when it's all sorted again, I wind up regretting not going. It's like damned if you do; damned if you don't. My problem is, in all reality, I try to hard to please everyone; to try a fill that hole in me I guess.
I'm the only person who really is just completely void of the capacity to feel "love" in any shape or form. I am the only person, who can't do that. I'ven't had a crush in a long while, just strong sexual attraction. I mean, maybe love only matters to those who have always felt it.
I don't think I am unreasonable with the expectation that I should be respected, right? And, if you are gonna disrespect me, to do it to my face, at least. But, maybe, those are high expectations from my contemporaries. They'll learn soon; not by my hand, but from a spectre far worse (life). They say they understand, they don't, I barely do; and I am light years ahead of them.
I think I have been really weirded out recently by people wanting to befriend me. That's new to me, of course I am going to be suspicious, especially if I couldn't trust you then (whenever that might've been). We live to fill the gaps in our knowledge, in ourselves. But, the best way to do that is, to realize, this; "Be the person you were at two, just more mature, hopefuly.
"Love, in that figurative friend sense";
Brian Michael Resila
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[12 Dec 2005|09:49pm] |
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mood |
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 and all of the above |
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music |
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Phish- Guelah Papyrus |
] |
| Your Birthdate: February 27 | 
You are a spiritual soul - a person who tries to find meaning in everything.
You spend a good amount of time meditating, trying to figure out life.
Helping others is also important to you. You enjoy social activities with that goal.
You are very generous and giving. Yet you expect very little in return.
Your strength: Getting along with anyone and everyone
Your weakness: Needing a good amount of downtime to recharge
Your power color: Cobalt blue
Your power symbol: Dove
Your power month: September |
I am just at the point, the point of seeing things so clearly, it hurts. It isn't that my glasses aren't tinted, they just aren't tinted enough. "My Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades." Bull shit, well anyways, this is a rant without rhyme or reason, just that expression for trying to find someone, anyone to listen to me, so that my knowledge is imparted to other. I am very deep, from what others say. Maybe that is bred from strong loneliness and withdrawl, i don't know though. Maybe the world hasn't turned it's back on me, possibly I've turned my back on it.
Chances that's all life really consists of, chances. We take them, lose some, win some. But, those things never apply to anyone, except you. Because your ego is so big (you as in me).
We are, and that's beautiful, and it should be fulfilling enough. (the only concrete fact i have found through my analysis of life)!!!!!!
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| In the Air Tonight |
[22 Sep 2005|06:52pm] |
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mood |
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 pessimistic |
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music |
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Phil Colins- In the Air Tonight |
] |
We live, we die. That's all there is to it. Everything inbetween birth and death is substance, per say. A thick jelly, sorta, that binds the two. I live, I die. The viscosity of the jelly binding the two can be related to quality, and the height to length. Dying is said to be inevitable, living is not. We all hide, we all squeeze by. It's just with how much grace we squeeze by with is what counts. But, then again, grace is what makes life unfair.
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| Name Game |
[29 Aug 2005|07:38pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
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music |
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Sopranos on TV |
] |
1.Jon Webber
2.Kat LaBuda
3.Brendan Grubb
4.Laura Duvacaut
5.Tori Morganstein
6.Kristen Mekich
7.Brennan Murray
8.Jake
9.Kelsey Stang
10.Michael Albiez
11.Zack Golt
12.Alison Holt
13.Dave Lubin
14.Andrew
15.Omar
16.Anthony Pepe
17.Robert Snow
18.Aaron Jay Kasen
19.Amanda
20.Giovana
How did you meet 13?Through my friend Jon, they went to College and Highschool together
What do you honestly think of 10?He needs help, he always seems content, but he's really lying to himself
Would or did 19 and 8 date?Nope, never, they live in diffrent states
Have you ever liked 3?Not really, he's cute without the beard, but nah
If 1 died tomorrow, what would you do to prevent it if you could?Die in their place
Would 2 and 11 make a good couple?Nah, one does drugs the other doesn't,one's smart, the other is oblivious to common sense things
Describe 7 in 3 words:Pretentious Back Stabber
Do you think 12 is hot?No
Would 1 and 17 make a lovely couple?an interesting one, but not a lovely one
What do you think when you see 8?Why here, why now, why me
Tell me something humiliating about 11?He was straight edge mostly til ninth grade
Do you know any of 3's family members?His Mother, and Father, and His Brother
What's 20's favorite color?Anything Neon, purple and pink, and the rainbow
On a scale of 1-10 how cute is 14?he isn't cute, but he is hot, I like him, attractive, smart, atheletic, everything I am not
What would you do if 4 just professed their undying love for you?Profess mine for them back
What language does 19 speak?English
Who is 8 going out with?Fuck if I know
Is 9 a boy or a girl?Girl
Would 18 and 4 make a good couple?No, not really
What grade is 17 in?11th I think, maybe he was held back to tenth
When was the last time you talked to 12?I don't know a week or so ago
What is 3's favorite band?His Band, Wicked Dream Foundation, LOL, maybe Sonic Youth, or Radiohead
Does 1 have any siblings?Nope Only Child
Would you ever date 6?I'd die to
Would you ever date 7?NO
Is 15 single?Nope
What is 19's last name?Don't know
What is 5's middle name?Tori is his middle name, Dustin is his first
What is 10's fantasy?I don't know, changes so much, be a rock star, smoke pot forevery after he gets off probation
say something about 18?weird kid, funny, smart, but weird
what's 16's talent?I don't know, the lack there of, or the ability to convince himself he is a good writer?, or singer for that matter
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| LOL |
[02 Jul 2005|10:02pm] |
Hot Tamale
You have an intellectual sexiness factor of 80! |
| You're hot! You've read a lot. You've done a lot, and there's a lot you'd like to try in the future. You've got a sharp, sexy mind, and few inhibitions to restrain you from exploring all the pleasure you can get. You have few hang-ups, and there's not much you don't know about sex. You're open-minded and able to enjoy things that would make a lesser person squeamish. You're an exceptional treat as a lover, appreciated greatly by those who know the differnce. You were probably bored with a few of the people you've been with in your past, feeling like you had to drag them along with you in the sexual adventures you want to have, and probably dumping them for the same reason. It takes a lot to stimulate you; you realize it's not just about bumping uglies. In the end there's gotta be a lot more to it. Still, there is always room for improvement. Before you can graduate into a true sexual genius, there are a few things you've got to learn, to explore, to think through, talk through, and fuck through. A good place to start is in taking a look at the few things you're still a little hesitant to try. Break down you're last few barriers and discover the outer sexual frontiers, and you'll become a master. |
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My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 91% on sexiness |
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[15 Jun 2005|06:50pm] |
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mood |
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discontent |
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music |
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Boxcar Racer- I feel so |
] |
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| Fuckin' LJ |
[11 Jun 2005|10:21pm] |
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mood |
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 and alone |
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music |
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Devendra Banhart- Electric Heart |
] |
LJ deleted this long entry I prepared about the apocalypse. And that sucks, because it is really looming upon us. I don't like society, but hey, I like to live, and I'd like to live some more before the world ends, you know, I mean the weather, the diseases, and pestilence, it's like something out of a hellish sci-fi story, all I know is that, it all started 25 years ago with AIDs, and it's all coming full circle. LOL, it ain't dogma of any sort, it's observances, and realization, that we as a society have blown our chance.
Some say the end is near
Some say we'll see armageddon soon
I certainly hope we will
I sure could use a vacation from this
Bull-shit, three-ring
Circus sideshow
Of freaks here in this
Hopeless fucking
Hole we call L.A.
The only way to fix it is
To flush it all away
Any fucking time
Any fucking day
Learn to swim
See you down in
Arizona Bay
Fret for your figure
And fret for your latte
And fret for your lawsuit
And fret for your hairpiece
And fret for your Prozac
And fret for your pilot
And fret for your contract
And fret for your car
It's a bull-shit, three-ring
Circus sideshow
Of freaks here in this
Hopeless fucking
Hole we call L.A.
The only way to fix it is
To flush it all away
Any fucking time
Any fucking day
Learn to swim
See you down in
Arizona Bay
Some say a comet will fall from the sky
Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves
Followed by fault lines that cannot sit still
Followed by millions of dumb-founded dipshits and
Some say the end is near
Some say we'll see armageddon soon
I certainly hope we will
I sure could use a vacation from this
Stupid shit
Silly shit
Stupid shit
One great big festering neon distraction
I've a suggestion to keep you all occupied
Learn to swim... Learn to swim... Learn to swim... Learn to swim...
Mom's gonna fix it all soon
Mom's coming 'round to put it back the way it oughta be
Learn to swim... Learn to swim... Learn to swim... Learn to swim...
Fuck L. Ron Hubbard
And fuck all his clones
Fuck all these gun-toting
Hip gangster wanna-bes
Learn to swim... Learn to swim... Learn to swim... Learn to swim...
Fuck retro anything
Fuck your tattoos
Fuck all you junkies
And fuck your short memory
Learn to swim... Learn to swim... Learn to swim... Learn to swim...
Fuck smilie glad-hands with hidden agendas
Fuck these dysfunctional, insecure actresses
Learn to swim... Learn to swim... Learn to swim... Learn to swim...
I'm praying for rain
I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way
I wanna watch it all go down
Mom, please flush it all away
I wanna see it go right in and down
I wanna watch it go right in
Watch you flush it all away
Yeah, time to bring it down again
Yeah, don't just call a pessimist
Try and read between the lines
And I can't imagine why you wouldn't
Welcome any change, my friend
I wanna see it come down
Plug it down
Suck it down
Flush it down
-Tool's Aenema
May this feeling of being alone, and waking up mad, and going to suicidal be temporary,
Brian
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| Crappy hope inducing quiz |
[05 Jun 2005|08:18pm] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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music |
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jason mraz- I'll do anything |
] |
LJ Friends Meme by ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) coolerq• You must tell 666 people about this game.
• Tori Morganstein is the one that you love.
• Kristen Mekich is one you like but can't work out.
• You care most about Jon Webber.
• Laura Duvacaut is the one who knows you very well.
• Susannah Goya-Pack is your lucky star.
• Prison Sex is the song that matches with Tori Morganstein.
• Lifetime Piling Up is the song for Kristen Mekich.
• Ghost is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind.
• and You and I Both is the song telling you how you feel about life
Take this quiz
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[05 Jun 2005|07:03pm] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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music |
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Suicide is Painless- Marilyn Manson |
] |
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| Anyone Suprised |
[31 May 2005|08:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cranky |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Jason Mraz- No stopping Us |
] |
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| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
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most recent entries |
] |
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go |
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earlier |
] |
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